It feels like it’s been forever since experiencing that feeling of all being right with the world…I suppose that’s because it had been forever. And I only just realized this because, while sitting on the back porch drinking coffee, I experienced that feeling, realizing it had been a long time.
Reuniting with my son was proving more difficult than I had anticipated. I expected that familial familiarity to be much more prevalent than it actually was in the beginning. Perhaps it was guilt at having given him up to people I barely knew. Perhaps it was grief triggered by all that I’d lost and missed out on standing before my very eyes in flesh and blood. Perhaps I felt completely unworthy of the right to have him in my life because what I did in giving him up for adoption was…it’s one of those things where one questions oneself, ‘What kind of mother does that???’ Perhaps it’s all of the above and a few dynamics that have not occurred to me yet. I also was uneasy with the parents who raised him, wondering if they were okay with all this. He’s living under their roof still, so I worried that it could cause tension in the family.
Well, recently, that was all put to rest. I’d run into his dad back in 2012 when Mama was in the hospital beginning her journey that led to a real brush with death. He was coming out of the main entrance as we were going in. I stopped him, and he greeted me warmly and said he would like for us to get together and talk and gave me his cell phone number to exchange texts on the when and where (hospital cafeteria, later that afternoon). He told me that our son had showed them my facebook page (before we’d become friends on facebook) andsaid that it was nothing against them but that he would like to meet me. They assured him that they wanted him to connect with me. It wouldn’t be until October of last year, 2016, until making that actually happen. Once it did happen, I wondered how his mom was with it, was she okay? I didn’t know – until 2 days ago when I ran into her at a sandwich shop. They live 2 towns away, so that was quite a surprise. Mom had a CT scan procedure going on that took all day because low kidney function had prevented her from drinking the dye solution to get a picture the week or two before, so she had to do the slow drip, CT, followed by 5 hours of fluid IV to slowly flush it out of her system. After the imaging, I went to a nearby bakery/sandwich shop, and in walked my son’s mom and his sister (also adopted), who was home for Spring Break. It was a warm meeting, and she was clearly genuinely glad to see me. We talked about my son and I getting together and related things, and it came very easily to her, much to my surprise and relief.
So a week ago marks a milestone in my son’s life. He turned 25. I got to give him a birthday present for the first time. Last year I sent an online gift certificate because we had not yet met in person, but that’s not the same as handing one’s child a package. The gift was from me and Mom. It was a handmade cigar box guitar and some accessories (glass bottle slide, a lightweight adjustable cord for plugging into an amp (it’s both acoustic and electric) and some replacement strings. It was amazing to see his face as he opened it!! It was clear that he really liked it, and that was one of the most satisfied feelings I’ve experienced in a very long time. The birthday lunch with my son, Mom, and me was the most at ease I had felt being present with him. It was really quite lovely.
So yeah…all is indeed right with the world.