Days 27, 28 – Saturday, Sunday

I haven’t deactivated yet.  There’s this pesky little matter of having to go onto the site to do it, and I haven’t been able to scare up the stomach to get on there as of yet.

Practice on Saturday went well.  It’s a completely different feel here in our house, and we’re still figuring things out and finding our groove here.

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Tonight (Sunday) was an extra special rare treat.  My son was doing standup comedy at a local brewery.  Such a gutsy thing to do, and he was funny!  The rest of the people in the audience seemed to really be enjoying his bit.  It was a lot of fun.  I snapped only one picture, and it was pathetic!  But I didn’t want to mess up his flow or embarrass him or anything, so I snapped the photo hurriedly while his attention was focused on a different part of the room.  It’s the first picture I’ve personally taken of him, though, so it stays and goes here.

Goodness, but he amazes me!

Day 26 – Friday Decision

*caution: foul language ahead*

I may give it a day or two, but I’ve pretty much decided to deactivate my account on facebook.  It’s taken a while, but after much thought and soul-searching I believe I have identified exactly what’s so gotten my goat about this social media monster.  It is a tool where people want to show only their best but end up revealing their worst.  It’s just too easy to sit there, scroll after scroll, and let judgments about others run around in our heads unchecked.  I say unchecked because, when we had only voice and face-to-face communication, more often than not, we didn’t usually say out loud the judgments running around in our heads.  Now, thanks to unlimited ways to express oneself on a social media platform, we let those very things we wouldn’t say be the driving force for where and how our fingers do the walking, and we never get to see or feel the impact or the face the damage we’ve done to each other.  We just keep scrolling, blocking, picking, nitpicking, and making decisions about people based on faulty logic and a serious lack of compassion and understanding.  Things sound differently coming out of the mouth than it does roiling in the head and only coming out at the tap of a letter key.  On a free-for-all format like facebook, we never get to hear and truly see the horror of it all – yet we experience the horror of it nonetheless, alone with our thoughts, alone with our electronic devices, and we suffer in silence…yet we keep on scrolling, and on and on it goes, day in and day out.

So, based on my experience of this, both on the giving a receiving end of it, I have only this to say: Fuck facebook.

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Time to break the fucking cycle and stop the madness.  I can’t stop it for anybody else, but I can give myself the gift of sanity.

Days 23 – 25 Tue – Thu

Tuesday ended up being a night off as the owners closed the shop early, so Steve and I made the most of some precious time together, running a few errands, going thrift shopping, and trimming his now unbelievably long hair.

Before:
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After cutting 3-4 inches off:
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He does have gorgeous hair!

We capped the night off with a late dinner at a wonderful Italian place called Pesto Cafe.  A local musician who’s been around for years was playing to a small audience…it was like being in old Fayetteville again.

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Wednesday it was back at the sewing machine.  I finally did it, drove a needle a millimeter or two into the inner dermis layer of a finger.  What gets me is this weird hardness of the entire fingertip and discoloration.  I really don’t understand that part of it.

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Tonight (Thur.) was another night off spent melting into the couch in and out of sleep after a fairly busy day at the salon.  After waking up and springing to life, as has been the manner of things after 11pm throughout my life, I made a big pot of chicken soup.  There is nothing, but nothing, like homemade chicken soup! I’ve been trying to find the best brand of canned chicken soup for years, and after having tried pretty every brand available, it’s time to concede to the reality of there being no such thing as a good chicken soup in a can.  It just isn’t the same as homemade, and there is nothing more comforting.

Day 22 – Monday

I knew there would be times that this challenge would be hard.  Tonight, for some reason, I am acutely aware that this road I have chosen is a lonely one.  But sometimes loneliness is part of the process of self-discovery.

This is either a real nagging feeling that there may be more personal messages on fb that need attending to or it’s just the aforementioned loneliness doing the thinking for me.  Over the weekend, I started thinking that I may have to modify my plan to include checking in for personal messages once a month.  If I do this, I’ll pick a day.  At this point there are bound to be more notifications than when I went in to check personal messages last time, and I didn’t look at those, so I think I’d like to stay consistent with that.

I am leaning toward not deactivating just so people know I didn’t fall off the face of the earth.  My husband is very active on facebook, so people can check his page if they are worried, as I’m sure he would post something in the event of my death – not that I’m expecting to die any time soon…just thinking out loud.

Since I don’t really know how to feel or think about this, is checking messages once a month cheating on this challenge?

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Days 20 and 21 – Saturday/Sunday

We had our first band practice at our house tonight and were very happy with the way things sounded.  Now that all this band stuff has been set up, somehow, motivation came to rearrange things.  We’ve had the living room the old way since we’ve had a house together.

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Having 2 new pieces of furniture didn’t hurt the motivation either.  I’d been wanting a fold up shelf for years.  The other day, Steve came home with the shelf that is now behind the chair.  He had no idea that I’d been coveting one like it…he did well!  Then Saturday morning my brother came by with a sewing chest that had belonged to my maternal grandmother.  I really wanted to put it where I could use it where I like to sew, which is the couch.

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I’m so happy to have it!  The 2 pieces really brought the room together nicely.  Now if I could only paint the living room….

Sunday was one of those chili dreary winter days, the kind of day it’s good to be able to stay in, keep the heaters going, and take a long winter’s nap.  I did have to get out, however, to give my new boss a new do.  I don’t usually work on Sundays, but I will if it’s the only time a client can make it.  I really should have taken before and after photos.  She looked amazing!

 

Day 19 – Friday

Today while browsing the sale items at Academy Sports, I ran into someone I’d grown quite fond of conversing with.  Back in the day, I’d see him around, and we’d greet each other, but, ironically, I didn’t really get to know him all that well until becoming facebook friends with him.  It looked as if we both had the same idea of being out and about and as far away from the television as humanly possible.  We talked for several minutes expressing our misgivings about the changing of the guard and exchanged a couple of hugs.  It was so nice seeing someone I knew in actual live personhood!

The plan for today was to not watch the inauguration at all, but Steve turned it on, and that’s what I woke up to, so I watched until time to take Mom to her exercise session.  It was tough to watch.  There wasn’t much in the swearing in proceedings that was encouraging or hopeful.  What has become of us??  Have mercy!!

At the sewing job, we’re…or, actually, I am working with a very light cotton knit that rolls up and has to be unrolled every few inches while running through the surger.  My coworker, the one who’s showing me the ropes, said she’d talked to one of the owners about it after I’d already written a note letting them know it takes 4-5 times longer to surge having to do so much unrolling and that they may want to take that into consideration when figuring in total cost and production time when next deciding whether to continue ordering that fabric.  Of all of the pillow cases I made, only one was not able to be salvaged due to trying to stitch up one side first rather than the one I’d been starting with, just to see if it would go faster.  It didn’t.  I ended up with a long thin case that looked more like a body pillow case than a standard.  However, it only took a couple of minutes (half the time it was taking to sew the cases, or less) to create a prototype of a very cute potential sleep cap.  When I show it to the owners tomorrow, perhaps they’ll like what they see.

Day 18 – Thursday

The last day/night of the Obama presidency…sigh…

I wanted to try and stay away from the whole Trump debacle, but Obama is worth talking about in terms of the inauguration.  I’m so proud of him, proud of his presidency, proud of the job he did and the demeanor in which he did it, proud of his family…just so much!  Words really can’t express the feeling.  I can’t really think of a president in my lifetime that I can say that about, that is, one elected when I was of age to vote.

I will miss this president and this first family.

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Thank you, Obama!

Back to the day-to-day that is my life, having 3 jobs (5 if looking after Mom and the band count) is forcing me to get organized and provides no room for procrastination on things that have to be tended to around the house.  There is no melting into the couch thinking, ‘I’ll  get to it in a minute’ then finding before I know it, the sum total of available minutes to accomplish needed tasks have evaporated.  Here’s hoping for new, great habits!

Still loving my new trainers, and how!  This pretty well expresses it:  Paolo Nutini – New Shoes (HQ)

Day 17 – Wednesday

Got some new trainers yesterday evening and put them to the test today, walking, running, standing…all those things done daily that make these feet ‘paurful (translation: powerfully) unhappy.  The shoes passed with flying colors!  As one might imagine, these feet take a lot of punishment.  Finding shoes that ease the pressure is a never-ending pursuit.  The shoes are made by Under Armour and feel as though they were custom-made for my feet!  Walking in them feels like walking on pillows.  Needless to say, I am highly impressed.

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I’d vowed to purchase no more white tennies, but when I put these on, that went well out the window.

Today was less stressful – almost as busy as yesterday, but it was easier today.  I don’t know how, and I’m not questioning it…just feeling very grateful.

More band equipment was moved in today.  We’re moving practice from my brother-in-law’s house to ours.  I think it’s going to be good.

All-in-all, a good day.

Day 16- Tuesday 

Thus far, I don’t miss facebook all that much. I needed some peace somewhere in my life, and Facebook is the antithesis of a tranquil place to go. I don’t miss the chaos.  I found that, on that platform, people either show their absolute best or absolute worst, and somewhere in between is reality.  I need a good strong taste of something real.

Speaking of chaos, today was stressful to the max!  It’s that feeling of pressure that comes when one is taking on way too much, and I don’t know which thing is going to have to give way for sanity’s sake, but I am hopeful the way will be made clear soon.  Have mercy!!

Maybe I’m going through something akin to the DTs (as we call them in substance abuse recovery) over this quitting facebook thing.  Maybe it’s just the stress of making major changes at this stage of life.  Whatever it is, I need it to get behind me, ASAP.  I don’t know how much of this kind of stress the body can withstand without major, and possibly irreparable damage.  Have mercy!!!

I’m having a cup of Yogi Bedtime Tea with chamomile, hoping to calm these poor, frayed nerves.  This was the message on the teabag:

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Interesting…Trust, as in, trusting God, the Universe, or what-have-you, to guide and help navigate all this.  Perhaps that’s where I will once again find my center and my footing.

Day 15 – Monday

I didn’t mention that I spent the entire morning this past Thursday in the emergency room with Mom.  Perhaps that’s where I picked up the stomach bug that threw me down at the start of the weekend.  Since being hit so hard last month with bronchitis, it’s been an uphill climb getting back to a place of feeling normal and healthy, and it seems that I catch every little bug going around at the drop of a hat now.  Today, though, I felt mostly good, so chalk that up as a win: I’ll take it.

In 2 recent posts, I kind of ragged on current music – as is my right to do and near responsibility as a 50-something…but I digress.  Of course, I’ve heard some new music that knocks my socks off in recent years, so I really should perhaps clarify what I mean when I use the term current or modern music: specifically, the songs that get played on the radio every 5 songs, ad nauseam  – even though there are hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of brilliantly written and performed songs that could and probably would turn the world upside down…IF the world could only hear them above the din of the every 5 song play droning on and on, stuff that jaws crunching on Cheetos could blow out of the water, pretty much…y’all know what I’m talking about, because everywhere we work and move, someone HAS to be freaking listening to THAT freaking (if only it was really freaking) station…you know the station I’m talking about.

Here is a shining example of something current breaking the mold – and getting play anyway!  I sat there drop-jawed on the couch when I saw this SNL performance by Twenty One Pilots:

Twenty One Pilots – Ride / Heathens (Live on Saturday Night Live)

I mean…DAY-YUM!  Srrr’slee (translation: seriously).  No, really.  Srrr’slee!

While talking with someone I work with about aging parents slipping off into dementia, somehow, the conversation turned to when my dad died (it’ll be 21 years next month).  Everything happened so fast that I didn’t get to fully process and assess the situation to really realize that I was losing my dad, and I wasn’t there in his final days, which still haunts me.  That’s the biggest reason I’m so AGRO about making sure I’m there for every little thing that happens with Mom.  What happened then is not happening again except over my dead body.

I walked away from that conversation with the usual bitter tears that come with thinking about that massive event in my life.

This photo of Dad and Mom was the last photo taken of Dad.  It was taken just days before he died, and it has moved with me in same frame to every place I’ve lived since Mom sent it to me, and currently lives in the living room.

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It’s clear that he was suffering when this was taken, but I don’t shy away from that.  I keep this picture visible as a reminder to stay awake and stay aware when it comes to the people who really count and make the most of every moment.

I’ve never been able to write about the events surrounding my dad’s death – that I can remember, anyway, and I’d think that’s something I would remember.  Perhaps when I finally can, it will do me some good and bring some kind of healing to that part of my heart and life….it’s really hard to say, though.  It’s hard to imagine that I could ever heal from losing my dad….life and its indifferent cruelty…if we live long enough it eventually knocks us all on our ass and knocks the wind right out of us.